


i don't want to keep secrets (just to keep you)

by theystayalive



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heartbreak, Love Triangles, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, accidental close proximity, an argument reveals too much, jj finally tells her how he feels, jj is a dumbass, kiara thinks hes kidding, so is kie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26334442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theystayalive/pseuds/theystayalive
Summary: She didn’t think he was being serious the day she found herself standing inches away from him on the boat, because JJ is never really serious.She didn’t think she would ever have to watch him be with someone else, laughing the way he used to with her.And she sure as hell didn’t think it would hurt to watch as badly as it does now.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ (Outer Banks)/Original Female Character(s), JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks), Sarah Cameron/John B. Routledge
Comments: 10
Kudos: 80





	i don't want to keep secrets (just to keep you)

**Author's Note:**

> set in an AU, the summer before s1 and then sometime after s1 if john b and sarah didn't go missing // based off of Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift because it's absolutely their song.
> 
> thank you to my love Ephemeral_joy for beta reading!

“Shit.”

JJ slumped forward onto the wheel with a theatrical groan as the boat shuddered beneath Kiara’s feet. The engine coughed pathetically a few more times before it sputtered out entirely. 

She leaned over the side, confirming that they were, in fact, not moving. “The alternator?”

He dragged himself back into a standing position and nodded at her thoughtfully, taking off his sunglasses to toss them onto the chair. “Probably.” 

Without any need for coordination, they wordlessly sprung into action. JJ let down the anchor and bent over to remove the panel on the floor while Kie grabbed the tool kit from under the front seat. She dropped to the ground next to him, setting the metal box down and opening the lid so he could grab a screwdriver. 

“So," he wiped his upper lip with the collar of his shirt and glanced up at her, "always make sure it's not just a battery issue first, it’s gotta be charged. Always check the plugs FIRST,” he demonstrated by pointing to said plugs with his screwdriver, then bent back over the compartment, muttering, “We should just scrap this piece of shit”.

Kiara watched his face as he worked. Most of the time, JJ was all confidence and bravado, or at least, that was the persona he put out to the world. It was always what he wanted people to think he was. To Kiara, who knew him better than most of the world, it more seemed like he was trying to prove himself in little ways or convince people that he didn’t care or that he knew what he was doing.

But, now, hunched over the inner workings of the boat, teaching her about plugs and batteries, he didn’t have to pretend. The usual cocky smirk was absent and he worked in total silence (which was even more rare for him). His hands moved deftly, his brow furrowed in concentration, and she knew that he felt totally in his element.

She also knew that he didn’t _actually_ think that the boat was a piece of shit and that he would proudly keep fixing it until it could not be fixed anymore. In reality, he loved working on it almost as much as he loved the boat itself. That made her smile.

It was only when he looked back up at her she realized, with a jolt, she was staring. And, by then, it was too late to look away. A new sort of expression edged into JJ’s eyes as he looked back at her, one she didn’t recognize. His lips parted as if he were just about to say something. 

Then, the boat jerked forward, throwing her into JJ’s side, violently closing the gap between them. His hands flew to her shoulders to steady her. 

The engine roared back to life and as the rocking steadied, Kiara felt JJ’s hands awkwardly drop back to his sides. Without another moment's thought, she cleared her throat and pulled herself to her feet.

“Sorry about that,” she smoothed out her shirt and tightened her ponytail, feeling like she didn’t quite know what to do with her own hands, “You’re a good fall cushion, I knew we kept you around for something”.

JJ made a face and rubbed his sternum, “Thanks for the nice bruise I’m going to have on my chest now, I really appreciate it.”

She grinned and took a bow, “What are friends for?”

Making a show of stepping over him, she bounced over to the control panel, flipping the switch to raise the anchor, then went to the side to make sure it was raising alright. JJ remained on the floor, sitting perfectly still. 

“Are you going to get moving,” she whined, “it’s too hot to be sitting around like this.”

“Hey, Kie?”

Immediately, she heard the difference in his voice. It was quiet and thoughtful and low and about as un-JJ as it could be. She could feel his eyes on her back.

“Mhm?”

“What if we weren’t?”

Kie faltered then let out a laugh. “You mean what if we weren’t friends? That would be quite a loss for you. Or, honestly, you would probably be dead in a ditch somewhere."

“I mean what if we were more.” 

Goosebumps raised on her arms as the voice came from right behind her now.

JJ was constantly joking around with her. It was hardly an authentic Pogue hangout without him making a pass or saying a flirtatious comment. At this point, she was used to it and even laughed along with it. But, something in the way he was speaking right now...it was making her feel like she was stalled at the top of a roller coaster, her stomach preparing to bottom out, her heart beating a little too loudly in her ears. 

“Pogues… pogues can't mack on other pogues,” she managed to say.

“Kiara-“

“Hey,“ she quipped, turning around and giving his arm a shove, “if you’re saying you would like to be released from your binding friendship contract, I’m sorry to say that the terms of service-”

Her thoughts were cut off abruptly as JJ reached forward and caught her hand in his. In one swift pull, she was inches away from him, so close she could feel his breath on her forehead. 

“I know you feel it too.”

She was finding it embarrassingly difficult to form coherent thoughts with the way his eyes were unmistakably lingering on her lips.

“What?” The word came out weaker and breathier than she had intended it to. 

“This. Kie, I know you feel it too,” his eyes roamed her face, “tell me you feel it too.” His tone was questioning. Pleading. 

“I...” Kiara knew that this distance should feel like it was too close. She knew that she should really have pulled away by now. It felt like they had passed that point, like she had already revealed too much by not distancing herself sooner. But, her mind was blank and fuzzy and the only thing that would come out was-

“JJ, I know you’re messing with me.” 

“And if I’m being serious?”

Kie couldn’t seem to think of a response. Not a retort, not a joke, not a snarky comment about how dangerously close he was to her. Mostly, she couldn’t seem to find an answer to his question, though the silence and the way that she was still pressed against him felt like one in its own way. 

The longer the seconds dragged on, the more the air started to shift along with JJ, going from heavy and charged to something more anxious and unsure. He blinked, once, twice. His eyebrows tugged together ever so slightly. Then, that trademarked cocky smile of his lit up his features and the moment was shattered. 

“You should have seen your face, man. Come on, I thought you knew me better than that by now.”

He released her arm and flopped back on the bow of the boat, folding his hands behind his head in a gesture that looked a little too relaxed and showy. Like he was playing a part instead of actually being casual. 

Kie regarded him a moment longer, then forced herself to give a lighthearted scoff, “You really are unbelievable.” 

“So I’ve been told.” 

Neither of them said anything for a beat, just stood there, looking at the other with equally unreadable expressions. 

“Come on,” he finally said, standing and returning to his station behind the wheel, “The others are waiting for us; wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea.” She noticed that the mischievous grin did not quite reach his eyes. 

“No, I guess not.”

As they pulled out of the cove, Kiara tried to ignore the new feeling that hung in the air around them. It was a little uneasy, a little less certain than it had been before. Somehow it felt like both nothing and everything had been said.

* * *

The party was making Kiara feel like she was being suffocated. 

The bass of the music pounded at her chest like its own heart beat. The warmth of the fire had passed comfort and bit at her shins and face. The smell of alcohol and sweat from the intoxicated teenagers stumbling alarmingly close to the fire was making it hard to breathe. 

Or, maybe, that had more to do with the way Lindsey was hanging off of JJ, because every time she glanced over at them the air seemed to be sucked right from her lungs.

_Why should I care?_

It was a valid question, one that she had been asking herself more and more as the summer scrapped along. 

Lindsey was nice enough. She was pretty and redheaded and staying with her aunt for the summer and had singled JJ out pretty much immediately. At first, the Pogues didn’t see her that much outside of the plentiful parties that popped up along the beach at night. 

It began innocently enough, with her seeming to always end up at JJ’s side by the time the night was over, or standing in the same circle as the other Pogue’s; talking, laughing a little too hard at his dumb jokes, always taking every chance she could to put her hand on his arm. Then, she had started to _arrive_ with JJ. After that, slowly but surely, Lindsey was just… around. She would be on the boat whenever they made rounds to pick the others up, or tag along with everyone to eat at The Wreck after hours, or already be lounging in the back of the van when Kie would slide open the door. 

And every time you would ask, JJ would laugh it off and say something noncommittal like they were “just having fun”. 

Kiara, on the other hand, was not. 

The more time they spent together, the more Kie had started getting agitated whenever she was around them. It was not uncommon for her to say something snappy enough to make the mood suddenly tense. It was obvious the others had sensed it too, she felt the shift in the way they eased back on her, or were more hesitant than usual to mess with her, like they were afraid of how she would react. They had never been afraid of that before. 

She hated it. She hated how short her fuse had become. She hated how it felt like in order to avoid snapping or showing her unfounded annoyance and ruining hangouts, she instead became quieter and quieter whenever Lindsey was around until, eventually, Kiara just stopped showing up at all. She hated feeling like she was a stranger in her own friend group when there was an actual stranger present. 

Mostly, she hated how JJ used to be the one to step in and diffuse situations with a joke or comment whenever one of them took something too far or started a fight. And lately he had been too busy whispering God-knows-what into Lindsey’s ear and having his arms around her to even notice there was a situation to be diffused.

Like tonight. 

At some point, after a while of standing next to a wobbling Lindsey with her arms around JJ’s waist, not saying anything at all to add to the conversation, she ended up on the log, by the fire, watching everyone else having fun. 

Then, JJ laughed. At something Lindsey said. 

It was enough to snap Kiara back to the present. It wasn’t just his chuckle that made you think he was planning something, or the scoff that meant he was about to make a jab at you – his real laugh. The loud one that made everyone within ear shot feel like laughing too. The laugh Kie had not heard around her in weeks. Hearing it now made something rip open inside of her.

Without realizing she had done it, Kie found herself standing up, the pounding music fading in the distance. Her keys were in her hand, her stomach felt like it was in her butt. She needed to breathe. She needed to get as far away from the suffocating music and the sweaty teenagers and JJ’s laugh as possible.

The sound of boots on the gravel behind her made her heart sink further into her stomach. 

“Kie?”

She picked up the pace, swallowing hard against the lump rising in her throat.

“Kie, come on, wait up” he called, a little louder this time. 

_Turn around, JJ. Just turn around_. 

“ _Kiara.”_

She stopped dead in her tracks and spun around.

“What?” it came out with more venom than anticipated. JJ faltered mid-stride, obviously taken aback.

“What do you mean _what_ ?” he frowned, a look of concern mixing with the visible hurt on his face at the tone she had just taken with him. “You’ve been almost completely MIA for half the summer, none of us have seen you in an entire week, then we finally get you out to a party and you just… mope the entire time. Now you’re trying to cut out early without even saying goodbye or telling us you’re leaving. That’s _what._ ”

Kie crossed her arms, annoyed at herself for how defensive she was being, annoyed that she was annoyed at all. Objectively, he had done nothing wrong, so there was absolutely no reason her chest should be aching just at the sight of him. 

“I’ve just been busy these last few weeks. With other things. I have a life outside of you guys, you know.”

In any other context, it could have been a joke about how the Pogues spent more time with each other than anyone else. But with the way she had been acting recently, it didn’t really feel or sound like one. It felt more like a jab.

JJ sensed it too. For a moment, his eyes searched her face and her jaw twitched with the effort it took to keep her expression stony and emotionless. She expected him to snap back, to counter with one of his equally brash remarks. 

Instead, he took a step closer. 

“Are you okay?”

Her eyes squeezed shut _._

 _Please don’t ask me that_.

“Yes, I’m fine I just… I’m tired. I want to go home.”

“Come on, Kie, I know you better than that. Something's been up with you these past few weeks. Talk to me.” His hand reached out for her.

She jerked her arm back like she had been electrocuted. “I said nothing is _wrong_ , JJ. Just drop it, okay?” her voice sounded strange now. It was too high pitched, too loud, almost frantic, “Just go back to Lindsey and the fire and the party and - _God_ , the one time I actually want you to leave me alone-” Kiara realized what she was saying before she could stop herself.

“The one time I… what’s that supposed to mean?”

Shit.

“Nothing.” she made a fist and leaned her forehead against it, mortified at the fact that she felt her eyes begin to prickle with angry tears, “Nothing. Just let me go home.” 

“Kiara, why are you being like this?” his voice had been rising to meet hers, but now it was quieter, sounding more concerned than anything, “Have you been drinking? Do I need to drive you-” 

“Holy shit JJ, just don’t even worry about me, you’ve been doing a great job of that all summer!”

That wasn’t fair. She knew it wasn’t fair before it even came out of her mouth. It was no one’s fault but her own that she’d been so absent recently. It was her fault she has been pulling away, though it felt like she couldn’t help it. It was just the only thing that had been preventing the pit in her chest from swallowing her whenever she was around them, laughing. The way they used to laugh. 

Deep down, Kiara knew it wasn’t JJ she was angry at. She was furious at herself: the way she had been acting, the lack of communication, the way she was lashing out now. 

The way Lindsey had been brave enough to take chances when they were in front of her and she had not been.

Now JJ was standing in front of her, for once in his life at a loss for words. Her ears rang from all the yelling. They stared at each other until her eyes dropped to the ground and she turned back to her car. 

A small part of her heart, the one that lept just a little whenever he would jokingly flirt with her, the one that secretly wanted John B and Pope to cut out early from boat days so it would just be her and JJ, wanted him to not let her leave. It wanted, more than anything, for him to keep walking after her, and touch her arm again, and look into her eyes and make her stay. But, he didn’t. 

She had just reached for her door handle when she heard the newly familiar sound of him walking away. 

* * *

Kie jumped so violently at the sound of her window sliding open that her head collided with the headboard.

“Chill, it’s me.”

“Jesus Christ, Sarah, you couldn’t have sent me a text?”

The new arrival swung her legs over the windowsill and onto the floor, wiggling her eyebrows dubiously. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Kie rolled her eyes but scooted over to make room on the bed. “Where’s the fun in murdering your best friend by giving her a heart attack?”

Sarah flopped down next to her, selecting one of the many pillows available and hugging it to her chest. “Drama queen.”

“I’m not the one who climbed through a bedroom window.”

“Fair enough.”

Kie gave a sarcastic laugh and responded with a playful shove.

“So,” Sarah said, absently picking at her tank top, “one hell of a party tonight, huh?”

Kie already knew where this conversation was heading. She pretended to suddenly be very interested in tracing the pattern of the bed spread beneath her. “Yeah I guess.”

“I don’t know what the best part was… Megan Hawthorn getting so drunk she tried to perform every part of the Bohemian Rhapsody solo,” Sarah made a show of gazing off thoughtfully into the distance and counting off incidents on her fingers, “or when John B almost got into a fist fight with Danny Herndon about which Jonas brother is the most talented, or the part where you left early without saying goodbye.”

Kiara winced, “Sarah...”

“No, no it’s cool. Besides being serenaded against my will, I was just also forced to listen to Pope try to explain the Reimann hypothesis to me while intoxicated with only John B for backup.”

Kie feigned a strangled gasp. “Oh God, he didn’t get to his own theories, did he?”

“No, actually he didn’t get the chance. Because right about that time JJ appeared again looking pretty upset, said he was taking Lindsey home, and left.” Kie didn’t look up when she felt Sarah turn to face her, “Any idea why that would be?”

An unconvincing shrug was managed. “I don’t know.” 

“Why did you leave the party early, Kie? Really?”

She felt heat rising in her cheeks, the unreasonable anger from earlier threatening to lodge itself back into her words, “Did JJ send you?”

“No, of course not. I was worried about you. You were just… really quiet tonight. You seemed kind of…" Sarah chewed on her bottom lip, obviously choosing her words carefully, "I’m just asking if you’re alright.”

Kie let out a huff and pushed off the headboard into a sitting position, distancing herself from Sarah, “It seems like that’s all anyone wants to ask me tonight.”

“If you say you are then I believe you.” 

“I’m fine, Sarah.”

“Alright.”

“Seriously.” 

“I believe you.” 

This time, when the silence settled back over them, it was claustrophobic. It sat right on Kiara's chest, clawing at the bottom of her thoughts, forcing her to face and feel everything she had been trying and failing to ignore for longer than she cared to admit. 

The way her heart would flip a little when he laughed. 

How it would ache when he cried. 

The hurt in his eyes when she pulled her away from him. 

The way his hand felt in hers. 

The weight in her stomach watching those same hands in Lindsey’s hair. 

By the time the first tears landed on her tightly folded hands, Sarah was already wrapping her arms around her. The comfort of the embrace somehow snapped the last tether holding all of her carefully packaged pain and she was clinging to her friend.

“I want to be mad at her,” her voice was barely a whisper through the knot in her throat, “I want to hate her, but I… can’t. I want to be mad at him but really I’m just so mad at myself. It _hurts_ , Sarah.” 

Tears were on Sarah’s arm. She didn’t wipe them away, only moved her hand to stroke the back of Kie’s head. 

“I know.”

“But, it’s… it’s _my_ fault that it hurts. I can’t blame anyone else for it. It's my… he’s happy, I can’t just…” her voice broke off.

“I don’t know about ‘happy’. I think he’s distracted.”

“She’s...I mean she’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with her.”

There was a loaded pause. “She is. But, she’s not you, Kiara.”

Kie held onto her friend’s shirt like a life line as she cried out the hurt and anger and regret. She cried out months of confusion and questions and moments that, at the time, had given her a little hope that this _thing_ between them wasn't all in her head. She let the pain wash over her. Holding it back now seemed about as pointless as holding back a tidal wave with her bare hands. 

Which, admittedly is what she had been doing now for months. 

Holding back. 

As she cried, her mind drifted back to that night on the boat with JJ, those weeks after she had found her place among three very unlikely boys. She thought of the way the wind felt pulling at her hair and the spray of the water hitting her arms. She thought about the way she had noticed the usual spark of humor absent from his eyes as he’d told her he knew she felt it too. And, not for the first time, she thought about what would have happened if she’d not been so afraid to just tell him the truth. 

Now she was even more afraid of never even getting the chance to.


End file.
